Also available in full on Archive of Our Own.
Disclaimer: Teen Wolf and its characters and endearing cray cray belong to MTV and Jeff Davis.
Warning: rampant silliness not to be taken seriously.
~=: SEASON 2, EPISODE 1 :=~
It’s a dark and stormy night, and Jackson Whittemore is nightswimming in a conveniently ripped t-shirt.
Damn those pesky cloth-tearing river rocks that leave his completely, totally, utterly unimpressive pecs exposed to the elements. Also: the massive, dripping bite wound.
Meanwhile in another part of The Woods, Scott is running off his excess horniness by leaping across valleys and practising his galloping, which he seems to have modelled on some kind of frog/rabbit hybrid creature. Now, the good news is that Jeff Davis must have found an extra $20 down the back of his couch, because this season actually has opening credits. Opening credits spliced with footage of mud wrestling porn, to be exact. At the hospital, Stiles is writhing around in the midst of a very public wet dream that has him sleep-dirty-talking. Unfortunately for the innocent janitor, she’s the only one who doesn’t need captions to understand what he’s actually mumbling. Stiles’ best friend, meanwhile, is getting some not-so-imaginary sex. Not that it’s any less awkward, especially when Victoria Argent interrupts. Cut to Lydia in the shower — making Stiles the show’s only main cast member not have gotten partially nekkid in the first ten minutes of the episode. (I call discrimination!) Despite the prominent clues in Teen Wolf’s newfangled opening credits, the diluted India ink Lydia appears to be excreting in the shower is not, in fact, mud. But it’s Very Bad, because Lydia shrieks. Scott and Stiles both recognise Lydia by this shriek, which is totally normal. I know I can recognize all my friends by the timbre of their screaming when they stub their toes, burn their fingers on toast and fall down mine shafts. Luckily Stiles is on hand when the Sheriff shows up at the hospital, only too happy to give his dad Lydia’s measurements and the correct name of her hair pigmentation. Because everyone knows the Beacon Hills Sheriff Department is full of useless schmucks, Stiles and Scott decide to track down Lydia in the dead of night themselves. They get the ball rolling when Stiles steals Lydia’s bloodied hospital gown and Scott takes a good huff of it. Don’t worry, not in a creepy smell fetish kinda way. Oh hey, here comes Alison. That’s not awkward. Alison helps decode her crazy dad’s plans using the Hunter SUV Calculation Method. On the trail of the Lydia Hospital Gown Scent, the gang sets off. Uh-oh, and now we’re at a graveyard. At night. A graveyard at night where Isaac is digging a grave in obvious contravention of child labor laws. Luckily Derek is around to rescue him when he gets scared and falls into one of the freshly-dug ditches. Back in The Woods, Scott has found himself in a light bondage scenario with Chris “The Hunk” Argent. Luckily he only engages in a bit of friendly menacing before leaving, though I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the cinematographer or whoever for that close up of Chris’ ass as he walks away. (I think Scott must agree with me, I mean, why else would he wait until the hunters had shown up before cutting himself down from the tree?) The next morning, Isaac’s dad references his son’s p*rn viewing habits in a police interview with Sheriff Stilinski. Is nothing sacred anymore? Later at school, Harris — who looks no less like a vampire than the previous season — uses Stiles as a test case for lurid descriptions of his latent S&M fantasies. And again in detention. (God I wish I was paraphrasing that dialogue). During the in-class test, Jackson treats the first few drops of a sudden India ink nosebleed like it’s a mortal wound — of the nose area. Derek, fresh from stalking young men in graveyards, has moved on to stalking young men in toilet cubicles. He still doesn’t know how to use his words, but at least he remembers to knock now. That night, attracted by the bright lights of the ambulance (or the smell of the freshly defiled corpse within said ambulance), Lydia appears out of the trees in perfect makeup. Oh right, she’s basically been wandering around nekkid the whole episode. Somewhere in the woods nearby, Derek and Scott are involved in some unwilling bonding time during the live snuff film of Grandaddy Argent hemicorporectomizing a homeless Omega werwolf.
~=: EPISODE 2 :=~
For some reason, Stiles knocking over the hospital vending machine during the last episode is included in the ‘Previously on Teen Wolf’ clip montage. If we need comic relief this early, I can’t wait to see how cheerful the rest of the episode is going to be :D It’s starting off pretty well though! After a bit of tension at the dinner table over Isaac’s bad chemistry grade, he and Mr Lahey decide to go ahead with some cathartic vase and plate-smashing — perhaps in preparation for Isaac’s future engagement to a nice Jewish girl. So overwhelmed by these shared moments of familial joy, Isaac needs to go out for some fresh air on his bike. Concerned for his son’s wellbeing, Mr Lahey follows in his car at full throttle. Jackson watches this all happening in a tight wifebeater, just to get the episode’s semi-shirtless ball rolling. Later, Mr Lahey finds Isaac’s bike left abandoned in a shadowy alley, which is also filled with steam despite the heavy rain. Even though he left their house door wide open when he left, Mr Lahey rolls up his car window before getting out. Seriously dude, prioritize your assets. (Oops too late, now he’s getting eaten by a mysterious CGI critter with a fondness for viscera). In another part of Beacon Hills, Scott and Alison are proving their ever-growing maturity by upgrading to the ‘writing on fogged up windows with fingers’ method of communication. Mid night. Two words. Of course. When they meet up in the woods, Alison causally mentions that the full moon is tomorrow night. (HANDY PIECE OF INFO, THX ALISON xx) She’s less impressed, however, when she realizes the reason her boyfriend dragged her outside at midnight was not so they could get freaky in the forest — but to grill her on her family tree. Meanwhile, on their “date night”, Alison’s parents are proving that they picked the wrong profession. Instead of hunting monsters of the night, they should have been corporate auditors instead. I mean, just look at that smile as they threaten and demand information! OK, maybe not, especially when they proceed to torture Beacon Hills High’s principal, even though tasering people with that electricity stick thing is so first season. There’s actually a great missed opportunity for a terrible pun here, so I’m just gonna re-dialog this bit… But don’t be sad, kids, because the tortured principal is a portly Brit, and they just don’t understand American efficiency and how it can install an entirely new, random and quite possibly unqualified principal at a high school within 12 hours, paperwork squared away and no questions asked ↓
It’s the benign countenance of encroaching senility.
At said school the next day, it seems Stiles is still resentful about his best friend trying to murder him a bit during the last full moon. But he has a plan! Involving a chain so long it takes a good two minutes for it to loudly uncoil from his locker in full view of the rest of the lacrosse team. At no point during these two minutes does Stiles try to get a hold of the chain, leaving his teammates to guess — correctly, I should add — that he intends to use it for bondage. Out on the field, the creepy photographer guy (who I totally know from various tumblr gifs isn’t at the root of all the homicidal shenanigans currently going on in Beacon Hills, no siree) is having a lovely chat with Jackson. It seems Jackson needs to borrow one of the guy’s cameras, not — as his description intimates — for a grainy sex tape of him doing himself, but to record a Leni Riefenstahl-style documentary of his ascendant werewolfiness. Soon thereafter, everyone watches Scott sniffing all of his teammates during lacrosse drills. It’s already out of hand by the time the Men in Forest-Green turn up. Later, Scott safely escapes from his meeting with Alison’s Grandfather-cum-principal after only being subjected to one cyanide pill reference, thereby leaving Stiles to take the fall. Good job, Scott. Unfortunately, he’s just in time to see Isaac getting driven away in the police car.
Oops, wrong scene.
There we go.
Luckily Derek then turns up like a perennially grumpy Fonz to carry away Scott in his quest to rescue Isaac. Instead of charging into the police station, though, they naturally head to Isaac’s empty house first. There, in the basement that could double as a D-movie horror set, Derek acts as Scott’s mystical werewolf tour guide even though he claims to have never been there before. Scott, brave soul that he is, attempts a one-werewolf intervention. Derek responds by trying to recruit Scott into his abused werewolves-in-leather cult. All the while, Isaac is completely fine, what with being stuck behind bars trying not to transform during his first full moon. Thank god Allison is on the case. She shoots an arrow into the thigh of one of her dad’s hunter deputies with a smile, and joins her boyfriend at Isaac’s house just in time to tuck Scott into his freezer-coffin for the night. Awww. Of course, even though the house is presumably still connected to the power grid, they do this all in the romantic glow of a flashlight. Let us now pause for a minute of silent laughter at Derek’s flirting technique at the Beacon Hills Sheriff Department. I’d like to point out that it’s pretty unlikely a trained law enforcement officer would fall for such a blatant seduction technique, but then again, Tyler Hoechlin. But lo! The hunter deputy with the arrow shaft still sticking out of his thigh has somehow gotten past the supposedly impassable front desk before Stiles does and is bleeding all over the back corridors on his way to Isaac’s cell. No doubt his motivation comes from not wanting to make Daddy!Argent sad and angry.
But when Stiles and the deputy hunter arrive at the cell, Isaac has already transformed into his ultimate full moon form — Rabid Elf. Luckily, Derek is on hand to I’mtheAlpha him into the naughty corner after Stiles’ red plaid shirt attracts him like a bull to the cloth of a matador’s muleta. By the time Sheriff Stilinski turns up to investigate the cause of the fire alarm that’s been blaring for untold minutes, it’s to find Stiles dazed and confused, possibly from too much mental waking to a certain bitchy werwolf in leather. Just a theory. Back at Isaac’s house, a human-sized gecko in scaly pantyhose climbs the wall and startles Alison. Told you they should have turned the light on.
~=: Episode 3 :=~
Episode 3 begins at that gas station Derek has so many fond memories of, but this time it’s Allison pumping her own gas and then trying to drive away without paying as soon as the lights mysteriously go out around her. Cue first kidnapping of Season 2. Just kidding, it’s a drill! Way to give your daughter PTSD, Chris. And show off your “breaking chair in half with nothing but some vigorous triceps flexing even though in a few seconds I’m going to admit I’m just pranking you” skills. Also, someone needs to tell me how to get such high quality creepy sound effects using iPhone voice memos. Chris uses this late night father-daughter bonding time to introduce the concept of hunter matriarchy. Funny how I don’t believe him, unless Gerard aka Most Unqualified Principal Ever is secretly a lady of some kind. No sooner does Alison escape from the Hale House than the only good looking hunter deputy so far is killed by the lizard. Goddamnit. At school, Erica is having a hard time with the most scary-yet-colorful rock climbing frame I’ve ever seen. After her inevitable PE-related breakdown, Derek demonstrates his Kate Argent Patented Sociopathic Seduction Skills by wheeling a convalescent minor on a gurney into a morgue. He doesn’t even both to disguise himself in scrubs or anything, the arrogant sourwolf. And then he gropes Erica’s leg and promises her anything so long as she’ll join him. Yikes. I’ll give Erica credit though, she doesn’t even flinch when Derek’s eyes start leaking bloodlight even though she doesn’t know what werewolves are yet. Derek’s all drama, no explanation. Back at school, Jackson’s contra-wereowlf STD freakout sends Lydia into the toilet for a bit of a cry. Dirty, bare feet appear under the cubicle door. Previous experience would suggest that it’s Derek hanging around high school toilet cubicles again, but we know Derek’s currently at the hospital doing his jailbait routine instead. So Lydia follows Mr Barefoot out of the restroom and discovers that it’s Peter “you’re supposed to be dead, dead like Latin” Hale, wandering around in search of shiny things with his name engraved on them. Later that day, a split second glimpse of some animal print high heels coming through the door has every single person in the cafeteria stop what they’re doing to gawk. And then Erica actually comes through the door. Seems she’s turned into a shameless apple thief overnight. Her one bite of lunch consumed, she then leaves to get picked up by Derek (who seems to be doing his best to keep his criminal record dusted off) in the school’s driveway. In the middle of the school day. In full view of adults who are mandatory reporters. Anyway. Scott goes to the vet clinic to do his part time job and ask Deaton some questions about his furry problems. Deaton distracts him completely with talk of metaphysical entropy shit and the promise of some loose change. Grinning to himself at his good fortune, Scott starts cleaning out cat litter. Stiles begins to regret the $50 he spent on getting access to the ice rink for his and Scott’s nighttime double date, especially when Lydia wilfully misconstrues his mismatched color analogy and Scott spends the whole time falling over and slamming into things epically. Oh, and Peter Hale is buried under the ice! So that’s how he treated those fatal burns to 99% of his body. Taking full advantage of her Hunter Matriarchal Omnipotence, Victoria Argent rifles through things in her daughter’s room and discovers Alison’s love note to her geometry textbook. Being more of a chemistry fan during her schooldays, Vicky is understandably upset by her daughter’s paean to Pythagoras. So she gets a kitchen knife and cuts herself. Completely reasonable. At school, Scallison are having a top secret lover’s tiff with their backs to each other. There is absolutely no way anyone could possibly see past this subtlety. Alison claims not to be feeling jealous about when she caught Erica intimidating Scott against the lockers with her cleavage. This is because “she’s with Derek now, isn’t she?” Hang on, ‘with’ Derek, you say? “Like Isaac”. You mean, like a statutory rape-y OT3, Allison? But hang on! Boyd isn’t sitting at his normal table! If he’s absent from school…that can mean nothing other than that he’s decided to become a werewolf! One-day absences from school have only one explanation, after all. Luckily Stiles isn’t too worried. So sexually frustrated is he after that night at the ice rink, he’s kinda looking forward to seeing what werewolfhood will wreak on Boyd. After all, it did “sensational” things to Erica, and actually, Scott ain’t looking too bad either, do you want to make out, bro? In the woods, Jackson goes to confront Derek at the Hale House, only to stumble across Chris Argent’s autopsy funtimes by accident. He simultaneously proves that no amount of money can buy the ability to lie convincingly. On the trail of Boyd, Stiles encounters smug!Erica, who pays him back for his intense focus on her face by clocking him with a random car part and sending him on an unconscious dumpster dive. Sorry Stiles, I think that last bit was meant to be symbolic. Meanwhile, Chris Argent moves the autopsy funtimes to Deaton’s clinic, and lets slip that he knows. Beacon Hills’ tragic electricity austerity measures continue, with Boyd forced to flatten the ice rink’s ice with that…icemower? I dunno. Anyway, he’s in the dark, so we know shit is about to go down. And lo, Scott turns up to do his preacher thing. Never mind that the only evidence Scott has so far that Boyd is considering weredom is a one-day absence from school. And that Boyd has his own share of teenage angst, what with having to spend every day sitting in the cafeteria by himself. (Sorry, I don’t buy that as a legitimate reason to go were, because it’s partently obvious that Boyd is the best). Oh no, the Beacon Hills Leather Cult has arrived, and Derek is feeling bitchy. Meanwhile, Jackson is by himself on the lacrosse field. He’s a sad boy. That is until he manages to lift his huge-ass SUV out of the mud it’s stuck in, and life is satisfying for him once again. Okay then.
~=: Episode 4 :=~
Our episode begins with a posse of Hunter SUVs converging on Deaton’s animal clinic, though not before Chris Argent practises his Blue Steel impression in the rearview mirror. Oh yeah, sizzling. With Scott hiding in the back like the vet’s dirty werewolf secret, Deaton and the hunters continue to discuss their former deputy hunter’s corpse — which doesn’t seem to have decomposed at all despite not being refrigerated or anything. That’s nice. Also, given everyone’s propensity to casually stroll into the clinic at all hours, including the Sheriff, maybe not having it laid out on the exam table in plain sight would be a good idea? Meanwhile in another part of town, Stiles is standing beneath his jeep with a sexy car mechanic in a wifebeater who also has Cheekbones. The p*rn practically writes itself. Except that Mr Mechanic is a jerk, and being a hot jerk who is not a main cast member seems to be something of a death warrant in Beacon Hills. Sure enough, it isn’t long before he’s kanima-ized and crushed under the jeep, thereby providing Stiles with his first traumatic experience of the episode. On her way out of Castle Argent, Alison is caught by Grandaddy Argent. Luckily, he seems to channel his grandfatherly love for her into not commenting on the blowing-on-car-window communication method she and Scott are still using. He also spares her from the cyanide pill references, merely settling for a “cocktail of pills”. I’m feeling the love. Moping around his and Allison’s special rock in the woods, Scott eventually gives up and leaves, but only reluctantly because his best friend who just saw someone die needs a ride home. At the abandoned warehouse, Derek is letting out his manpain by repeatedly slamming gymnastic!Issac onto the floor with one palm and letting Erica french kiss him for many long seconds. It’s kind of adorable how the beta cubs are surprised by their Alpha’s perennial crankiness. Anyway, he eventually throws Erica off — literally — but only because he has “someone else in mind” for her. Really, Derek? Arranged matings? You’re making the Argents and their pseudo-matriarchy look progressive here. The next morning, Lydia’s mother comes into her room, flips back the covers of her daughter’s bed and has a freak out at the dried blood everywhere. Right here you can tell this episode was written by a dude. If it’d been me, I would’ve just assumed Stealth Period had come during the night and then she’d rolled around a lot in her sleep. At school, Lydia visits the school guidance counsellor. And look, I’m sorry, but if the counsellor was really that gorgeous there’d be a line of students out the door faking auditory hallucinations etc. On the hunt for the Argent Family Bestiary, Allison says she’s convinced it’s the totally modern, Moleskine-like pocket diary she saw her grandfather dropping the other night. In order to steal it from him, she has to pretend she actually wants to spend time in his presence. Naturally the actual stealing part comes down to Stiles, who sneaks away from the lacrosse game before he’s caught by Erica, who I should mention was last seen tossing his unconscious body into a dumpster. She leads him to the swimming pool, where Derek is waiting with a basketball. Because it’s totally normal to shoot invisible hoops over bodies of water. Oh wait, the ball is just a stand in for Stiles’ very puncture-able human head. Still, I’m impressed with Derek’s newfound pre-planning skills when it comes to threatening people. For detailed commentary on the swimming pool scene, please refer to every Sterek fic written ever. At Castle Argent, and I never thought I’d say this, but I’m really missing Kate during this Awkward Argent Family Dinner Redux — at least she could make small talk while her brother angrily masticated his snow peas.
~=: EPISODE 5 :=~
Showing more maturity than the last time we saw him weight training by way of lifting his SUV out of the mud on the lacrosse field, at night, alone, Jackson is actually getting Danny to spot for him this time. Until Danny leaves the room, and then it’s back to being an overreaching dumbass. Luckily Erica is there to save him from an impacted sternum. Unluckily, Erica is there on behalf of Derek, because apparently Derek is delegating his stalking now. Jackson turns up at Derek’s abandoned warehouse, and Derek poisons him on very little evidence. His paralyzing terror at the mere sight of glass shards aside. Later at school, Lydia is having a very bad day. To start with, Stiles and Scott are loudly discussing her only a few aisles away in class, and the werewolf that mauled her last season is at the front of the room writing equations in a spiral on the blackboard. And then he has the gall to blow chalk in her face! But the worst is yet to come. That’s right, Vampire Harris is wearing a henley, and it’s vile, and it’s as normal-looking as an albino squid wrapped in shag carpet. (Also, please let me take this opportunity to convey my dismay that no one is Beacon Hills apart from Stiles can recognize backwards English letters?) Haven’t they ever looked in a mirror while wearing clothing with writing on it? I mean, come on.Anyway, Chemistry that day is mostly an experiment in musical catalyzation chairs, with death threats flying across the room and aggressively suggestive groping of thighs. (And is it just me or does Allison own the most tear-resistant stockings ever?) Also, Erica offers her tarot card-reading services and Scott and Stiles make mayonnaise in a beaker. And yes, Derek is watching all of this from the carpark like the murderous jailbait-stalking creeperwolf he is. Let’s take a moment to be grateful that Beacon Hills High isn’t one of those schools with metal detectors, because Allison has brought her crossbow to school. Somehow this brings on a spell of overbearing overprotectiveness in Scott. Being the staunch feminist he is, Stiles answers this with an arrow aimed at Scott’s skull. In her counselling session, Lydia sees butterflies. Everywhere. Scott goes out to confront Derek on the lacrosse field and demonstrates his burgeoning Napoleon Complex in face of the immovable wall of Boyd. But too late! It seems Derek is delegating homicide now too — to Erica and Isaac, that is, who are currently displaying very little respect for school property. Not only does BHHS not have metal detectors, looks like they don’t go in much for CCTV either. Scott once again may be in the wrong place when supernatural shenanigans are imminent elsewhere, but he isaround to witness Derek’s furry freakout on the lacrosse field over Jackson and Lydia’s inexplicable, continuing humanity. When Scott doesn’t seem to want them removed from existence like so much tile grout from the world’s bathroom, Derek sulks. And Lydia? Lydia gets Lydia-nabbed. By her friends. At Scott’s house, Jackson discovers that he can tell when people are lying by staring fixedly at their upper breast. But the happiness at this revelation is short-lived because, somehow, Derek’s pack has found them. Only after night has well and truly fallen does Allison decide that Lydia’s life is more important than her relationship with Scott, and goes to call her dad. But Stiles stops her; after all, the chair against the door and all these billowy curtains have kept the werewolves out of the house for hours. They’re pretty good at this siege thing. (Though are we really supposed to believe that none of the street’s other residents aren’t suspicious enough to call the police after these highly suspicious kids in leather jackets have been milling around on the road all this time?) Upstairs in the house, Jackson is still interrogating Lydia over the house key he gave her when they were still the Homecoming queens apparent. It seems to be Lydia’s fate to attract men who’re fixated on shiny things. Never mind, a second later they’re hate-frenching anyway. Meanwhile, downstairs… Cue supernatural showdown with kanimized!Jackson and not-the-greatest-tactician-ever!Erica. By the end it’s Team Human + Scott who turned up at some point: 1, Hale Pack: 0. Derek sighs deeply like a dad disappointed over his cubs’ mauling report card. At least they all know now that it isn’t Lydia who’s been turning scaly and murderous the past few nights. No, that honour falls to Jackson, who seems to have made a friend with someone who drives around with a pretentious bumper sticker. This cannot end well.
~=: EPISODE 6 :=~
After all this buildup, it turns out Jackson’s homemade self-surveillance tape is a cross between the Blair Witch Project and somnophilia p*rn. Luckily Danny is too noble to watch it, even just to check if the footage he spent all that time restoring, you know, actually restored. Understandably, Lydia is a little rattled after the showdown at Scott’s house, but Allison manages to prey on her mixed up feelings about Jackson to keep her quiet. Classy. Catching up to the still-fleeing kanima, Chris Argent shoots it full of holes and then gets distracted by the Derek-shaped absence in the proceedings, leaving his back open and his magazine empty. Uh, lucky this whole supernatural creature-hunting thing is just a hobby for him rather than a business? But no, there’s Gerard, making no move to defend himself against the kanima until the kid he stabbed in the gut recently knocks it out of the way. Oh Scott, you should’ve just abandoned your selfless schtick just this once and let them finish each other off. Back on the trail of the rampaging kanima, Scott and Stiles arrive at the ever-subtly named club, Jungle. Scott soon recognises the scent of Armani cologne, aka Danny — either that or he just noticed Danny directly across from him at the head of the line. nside the club, Scott and Stiles soon notice its lack of resemblance to their school prom. But Scott soon comes to see the perks of being in a gay club when your best friend is a proto-twink. Stiles is less enthused by this revelation. Meanwhile at Lydia’s house, the mouthy boy she met outside the hot!counsellor’s office has dognapped her dog, returned it to her, unsuccessfully tried to snog her, plucked a flower from her garden, and presented it to her as a token. Steer clear of this one, Lydia: he’s so stingy he’s regifting things that already belong to you. Back at the club, they’ve started pumping dry ice onto the dance floor in blatant contravention of the city’s attacking lizardman codes. So they’re really asking for it when the kanima goes around paralyzing people for reptilian kicks, and then Derek turns up and kills it. Except he does a really bad job, because Jackson’s still alive, and now he’s half-conscious and bloodied in a car park. Good job, Derek, those kinds of places get virtually no foot traffic. Sheriff Stilinski turns up just as Stiles and Scott are wondering what to do about the fact that Jackson is very naked and very groaning in the back of the Jeep. While his Dad is less than impressed by Stiles’ attempt at a coming out speech, he’s willing to believe that his son is at yet another crime scene because Danny’s on the rebound. Scott vetoes Stiles’ suggestion that they just kill Jackson. Party pooper. So instead they hijack one of the police department’s cars and handcuff his kanima-hosting ass inside the back. When Jackson wakes up he immediately assumes that Stiles is his kidnapper, and that in order for him to be wearing pants right now, said Stilinski must have gotten “up close and personal” with his junk. Following this realization, he goes through all his readily available emotions. And worst of all… At school, Gerard invites Allison to his office for more heartwarming Grandfather/Granddaughter bonding. It starts when he quotes threatening literature at her, implicates her in Jackson’s disappearance, and then he walks behind her, lifts up her hair and sticks two of his fingers against her pulse for a “game” of lie-detecting. For which he gives the most insincere apology in the history of ever. And then she leaves, and this happened: (Don’t mind me, I’m just going to be over here taking a five day shower to wash the heebie jeebies from that scene off me). But Allison’s day goes from bad to worse when her mother suddenly appears as her poetry class’ substitute teacher. Seriously, is no-one at the school questioning why the Argent family is singlehandedly replacing BHHS’ faculty? Anyway, Mrs Argent highly approves of Allison “spying” on her best friend, and is pleased that her daughter is “stronger” than all those other girls in class who dare to have crushes on boys and want to attend senior prom with those crushes. Not a believer in having it all, our Vicky. When Allison and her boy-crush + Stiles meet up in the woods later, Stiles votes (again) to whack Jackson while they’ve got him locked up. But Scott vetoes the idea (again) because of his and Jackson’s shared history of trying to mutilate and/or murder their friends and lovers. Still locked inside the prison transport van, Jackson sheds a tear. This is a shocking development, with three possible causes: A) It’s that time of the lizardy month, B) He’s finally getting in touch with his fossilized emotions, or C) His body’s finished digesting that turkey sandwich hours ago and nature is unable to take its course. Whichever one, it isn’t long before Scott and Allison’s clothes come off, and Jackson’s scales go on. The kanima busts itself out of the van, and Stiles accepts that he’s going to have to tell his dad everything, the town’s rampant furry problems included. But when he and Scott turn up at the police station, it’s to discover that Jackson’s already there, with his dad. His dad, whose occupation far outweighs ‘sheriff’, ‘werewolf hunter’ and ‘substitute poetry teacher’ in the horror stakes.
~=: EPISODE 7 :=~
Episode 7 opens with trouble in trailer paradise, even before the lights go out and we realize that these random, poverty-stricken people are parked next to a lake — those things pretty much being a death sentence in Beacon Hills. In fact, the only thing that appears to save the random lady from certain mauling is that kanima!Jackson finds the smell of pregnant bellies offensive. Some indeterminate time before or after this midnight homicide, Scott and Stiles get served with a restraining order for sorta kinda kidnapping Jackson for funsies, and naturally Stiles’ first concern is his freedom to use the boys’ restroom at school. As it happens, Derek is also worried about Scott and Stiles, though when Erica asks which one she should be stalking on his behalf, he seems to think they’re interchangeable. At school, the gang uses Lydia’s translation of the Argent family’s bestiary to determine that kanimas are basically wannabe werewolves with PTSD (and excuse my pedantry, but I’m pretty sure the whole ‘gene’ concept is a 20th Century thing and I don’t think they were still hand-scribing illuminated Latin texts by then). Allison agrees to mine Lydia for info about her ex-boyfriend’s tortured past because she’s a good friend like that. The ex-boyfriend in question, meanwhile, is busy communing with the deadly animals in a handily unlocked classroom, receiving a neck massage from the snake and oh wait ohmygod he’s eating it! Okay, well, I guess it’s lunch hour. And I’m sure that teacher who just walked in won’t notice that the snake was last seen just before Jackson started standing over the open terrarium. At the McCall residence, Melissa demonstrates her advanced knowledge in teenage bedroom snooping: the best way to remain undetected is to leave the room messier than you found it. Though judging by her extreme eye-widening reaction, she’s never seen a condom before. Or connected condoms and her teenaged son in the same thought. Even though she’s a nurse and public health professional. All right then. Back at school, Matt’s crossdressing reference flies right over Allison’s head — clearly she missed out big on the educational experience of going to that Jungle club. She’s also naïvely surprised when she discovers Jackson nekkid after entering the boys’ locker room without announcing her presence and walking right towards the sounds of a running shower. Luckily she’s soon saved from Jackson dripping water on her threateningly when Scott arrives, ready to work off his chemistry make-up exam rage. Turns out Erica had a crush on Stiles and her concussing him with a Jeep part and throwing him in that dumpster was just the newly-bitten werewolf version of pigtail-pulling. Or stubble-pulling, in Stiles’ case. Not that you can really pull stubble. Shut up. Post-locker room throwdown, and Scott is tapping his inner possessive cavewolf with the wanting to kill Jackson thing, and for once it’s Stiles who’s advocating for the anti-classmate-murdering stance. Meanwhile, on the other side of the library, Matt is demonstrating that he is the worst supervillain ever by saying ‘kanima’ aloud and letting Allison get a look over his shoulder at his tablet with the bestiary and notes copied directly from Allison’s own tablet. Subtle! Oh, and Jackson has a snake-swallowing migraine. At the school office, Mrs McCall comes in for the express purpose of outing Allison’s son-shagging shenanigans to Mrs Argent — who in the space of a few days has gone from poetry substitute teacher to a CCTV-watching school receptionist. Now remember, Victoria is the lady who cut herself with a kitchen knife over an innocuous love note found while snooping in her daughter’s bedroom, so we know this will end well. Basically, I’m treating this whole episode as a cautionary tale against snooping in teenagers’ bedrooms. Clearly, it’s nothing but a recipe for maternal angst. Lydia — the only main character who doesn’t seem to be in detention at the moment — is also sadly suffering from whatever’s been leaked into Beacon Hills’ water supply that’s causing all the women to suddenly act as damsels-in-distress/slasher film heroines. Dazedly wandering barefoot through her back garden and into a forest, she comes across a house she’s apparently never seen before. Oh, and wouldn’t you know it, the creepy kid who’s been stalking her is there too. Harris, leaving the kids to finish shelving all the books in the universe, makes his escape in his vamp!mobile, which just happens to be sporting the hipster bumper sticker also owned by the kanima’s apparent master. Omg is this a clue. Jackson starts seeing his name on all the books he’s shelving, proving that even his hallucinations are egotistical. But, Beacon Hills High School being what it is, even detention in the library isn’t warzone-exempt. Back at the abandoned, leaf-littered house that Lydia’s strolled right into, Creepy Kid extorts a kiss out of her. Seriously, I think Scott and Allison are the only characters with even slightly normal sex lives in this show, the ribbed ultra condoms notwithstanding. At least the kid has a reflection in the mirror, so he passes the vampire test. But oops, he isn’t passing the not-Peter-Hale test. So, to summarize: Lydia is basically making out with the corpse of an (old) dead man with burns to 95% of his body. After the showdown in the library, they bring a re-epileptic Erica to Chez Hale, aka the abandoned train carriage. To everyone’s surprise, it turns out Derek isn’t such a great substitute for the hospital after all. Especially when he falls back on his favourite method of dealing with his misbehaving betas: breaking their arms. Hey, at least Erica stops seizing. Scott, on many conditions, agrees to provisionally, maybe, kinda join Derek’s pack. Derek begins fantasizing about expanding his wolfcub collection. Back at the Hale House, which Lydia is now seeing for the burnt out ruin that it is, the blackened crisp that is Peter Hale gives the most traumatizing consolation speech ever, which Lydia just passively sits and weeps through. Now do you believe that there’s something screwy in this town’s water supply?
~=: EPISODE 8 :=~
So all the cool kids in Beacon Hills are going to the upcoming rave, which naturally means Jackson is pulling out his cybernetic zombie impersonation to cut in line for tickets. Scaly bastard. Meanwhile, all the uncool kids are visiting their dads at work. For Allison, dad/daughter bonding time means a trip to the morgue for a spot of familial interrogation. Luckily for the sheriff, the only interrogation he has to go through is about his cholesterol. Though I think he’s beginning to see the problem with laying out “confidential police work” on a giant, vision impairment-friendly board in his office, where he presumably also meets with members of the public. Carrot sticks duly consumed, Stilinski & Son Crimesolving Inc. discover that Vampire Harris taught the Beacon Hills High Class of ’06. Hell, he was probably around at the school’s groundbreaking ceremony in 1803. At the animal clinic, Derek and the pups show up to discuss whether or not to kill Jackson at the rave. For the third time in as many episodes, Scott changes position on the topic. Am I the only one with whiplash here? Also, Derek is starting to refer to himself in the third person. You’re on a slippery slope down to megalomania, my wolfy friend. At school, we discover yet another reason to suspect Matt of being a villainous creep: he makes Stiles’ Stilinski Sense tingle. On a possibly related note, Coach Finstock wants to know why Jackson hasn’t turned up to lacrosse practice. Gee, Coach, maybe he was at his viola recital after overseeing the swim team he is apparently also the captain of. Victoria Argent’s pencil-sharpening threats seem to have worked: Scott tells Allison that they need to get some hetero-beards for the sake of publicity. But Allison’s way ahead of him. Scott then encourages Allison to kiss Matt when she’s out with him. You know, just to make it look realistic. But then it turns out that Scott is unfamiliar with the concept of using tongue, which actually makes me concerned about just what they’ve been getting up to in the sack. Oh no, Vicky has been using the glass panel in the classroom door as a peephole to spy on Allison’s demonstration of French kissing. She does not enjoy the experience.
~=: EPISODE 9 :=~
As usual, it only takes one scene for Lydia to demonstrate how taking a shower — with all the related potential to get Psycho’ed — is not the scariest thing that could happen to her right now. No, the scariest things involve lacrosse field turf and Peter Hale between her bedsheets and worms between her toes and how apparently it’s all up to her to resurrect a dead werewolf or shit will go down at her birthday party. Understandably, Derek has the blues. Allison’s having a crappy night too. After realizing that Scott is no longer leaving his finger paintings on her fogged-up car window, she discovers that she’s the muse for Matt’s ongoing stalkershot portfolio, The Candid Allison Auto-Copulation Aid Collection. After a good fifteen minutes of dissembling, Matt realizes that she isn’t going to fall for his “do you want to come in and see my nonconsensual engravings?” routine. Meanwhile at the Stilinski household, the ex-Sheriff is suffering from phantom police badge syndrome, what with having suspiciously detailed knowledge of the case his former department is building against Vampire Harrison. What’s he been doing, sitting out back with his police scanner, staring soulfully into the distance like a magazine cover model? Ahahaha — oh, hang on. Jackson is having something of a homicidal split personality crisis, and decides that the only way he can protect Lydia is to disinvite himself from her birthday party. Him and the rest of the greater Beacon Hills High population, actually. Bar one. Lydia’s birthday party isn’t the only shindig in Beacon Hills tonight. After Isaac disrespects the Triskele with his ever-increasing werebitchiness, Derek breaks out the chains and instruments of cranial torture and gets to work on making his betas irrevocably despise him. And of course he ruins another white tank top in the process. At Castle Argent, dinner is just getting underway, with a cocktail of subscription pills as an entree, a suicide note as the main course, and a spot of uxoricidal impaling for dessert. Victoria is, to no one’s surprise but hers, regretting not pulling her daughter away from trying on dresses long enough to say goodbye properly. But seriously, why am I having all these feels for a woman batshit crazy enough to commit suicide in her daughter’s bedroom, on her bed? (Blood leaves stains, last I knew). Turns out Matt is still a bit tetchy about the other night when he failed to kidnap Allison, so he corners her at Lydia’s party and demands to know what’s so bad about stalking someone with a telephoto lens. The fact that he’s backing her towards a bed all the while does not help his argument. Lydia leaves her own party to try and help Derek with his, primarily by blowing purple glitter straight into his face. That must be some heavy duty stuff, because it knocks him out cold on impact. Back at the party she abandoned, the spiked punch is starting to make people “freakout”. I can only concur, since it’s making people do all sorts of illegal and depraved things like jumping fully clothed into swimming pools. So wild. Oh, and there’s Matt floundering in the water. I think it’s a sign of how jaded Scott and Stiles are at this point that they greet his drowning screams for help not as sincere pleas but as a juicy clue to their current mystery. But Matt will have his vengeance! Oh, and Peter is resurrected by a magic mirror trick. Once the Alpha Redness is all sucked out of Derek’s pupils, he rises nekkid until Lydia is satisfactorily hyperventilating. What a troll.
~=: EPISODE 10 :=~
Once again, Teen Wolf proves that it’s a cut above the competition when it signals a flashback not through an echoey we’re-in-a-bathroom dialogue dub, but through hazy lens filtration instead. So after rewatching Matt hand his camera off to Jackson, we get to see him remotely access the footage of our favourite half-nekkid overachiever in real time. And yet Matt is somehow surprised that sitting in a parked car outside the house of the person you’re illicitly surveilling is not the best idea. Or maybe it is, since he seems to be some kind of kanima whisperer. On the word of not his son, but his son’s best friend, ex-Sheriff Stilinski drives the boys to his former workplace to rifle through confidential evidence. Apparently his hangdog expression is just as effective as Derek Hale’s insincere grin, because the desk sergeant lets them through. And is promptly disembowelled for her troubles, though Matt orders the deaths of most of Beacon Hills’ police department with a tear in his eye. He may be a cold-blooded stalkerly murderer, but he’s sensitive one, OK? It’s around this time that Stiles utters the most improbable line in the history of the show. Meanwhile, Derek is physically at the burned out husk of his family home, but he’s psychically trapped in the sweaty sauna of his own mind. Luckily Deaton is there to revive him with the sound of his jangling lanyard pen. During the resulting conversation, Deaton disses Derek’s Alpha skillz and implies he’s only helping him out because he promised Derek’s dead mom. Oh, and he also knows Gerard. So what I’m basically getting from this is that Deaton is the supernatural guru version of Edward VII, the “uncle of Europe”. At Castle Argent, Allison is brooding on her bed — the bed her mother oh-so-thoughtfully impaled herself on. At least it looks like someone’s changed the sheets since then. Oh, and here’s Grandaddy Argent, just popping by to pass on Victoria’s suicide note, and mention that hey, he’s already read it all and by the way, while you’re emotionally shattered and in mourning, why not join us in the blood feud against the Hale Pack? (Oy vey). Back at the sheriff’s department, Matt is busy watching Scott shred incriminating police evidence face on, but doesn’t bother to monitor what the heck Stiles is doing on the computer — the computer that’s presumably connected to the internet and therefore methods of calling outside assistance. No matter though, Derek has shown up to offer his invaluable assistance as a breathing, snarking floor rug.
~=: EPISODE 11 :=~
In the aftermath of the police department siege, Stiles is getting started early on his lifetime of PTSD therapy with the school counsellor. Unfortunately, he’s also developed a rather unhealthy compulsion to constantly re-string his lacrosse stick and regale anyone who’ll listen about the body’s physiological reactions to drowning. Never mind that the camera operator for this scene just supplied the Dylan O’Brien eyelash and lip p*rn bloggers with months of material. I guess the only good thing to come out of all this is that they gave the Sheriff a shiny gold star for ripping an iron ring out of the wall of the holding cell area. Oh, they also gave him his job back, possibly because the remains of every other trained law enforcement professional in Beacon Hills is currently being scrubbed of the station’s floors. Meanwhile at Casa de McCall, Melissa is dealing really well after Scott came out to her as a supernatural creature of the night by way of furry facial prostheses. So well, in fact, that she decides to give him the silent treatment through her bedroom door. (Remind me who the medical professional and all-around decent parental figure is in this situation?) Well, it ain’t Gerard, is all I’m saying — what with his toddler-like determination to get Scott’s attention by any means necessary, including stringing his mother up with Jackson’s lizard tail. That night, Erica and Boyd are a little too successful with their “lost teenagers in the woods” routine, though they’ve done a 180 by the time they turn up at Hale & Uncle, Books and Burned Things the next day. Sure, those mysterious wolf howls scared the crap out of them, but joining up with an unknown enemy is still better than another second of putting up with Derek’s manpain. Tellingly, the only counterargument to their renunciation of pack fangship that Derek can come up with is “where else can you go?” After the pups have left, Peter turns up with consolation and terrible puns. And also to offer himself up as the Alpha punching bag, something Derek takes advantage of well into the night. Those stairs and Peter’s spine will never be straight again. At Deaton’s, it finally becomes clear why the vet doesn’t bother to install a bell, not since there are domesticated dogs to announce, barkingly, the arrival of any werecritters. This time it’s Isaac who’s appeared to do some werebro bonding with Scott over the sarcoma-ridden bodies of pet pooches. After that lovely, tear-jerking moment of sucking literally black pain into his veins, Isaac announces that he’s still planning to skip town with Boyd and Erica, perhaps not realizing he’s consigning himself to a life of third-wheeling by the same stroke. In the locker room before the championship lacrosse game, Jackson’s advice to his best friend on surviving the night is to basically run away from scaly-him if he approaches, and fast. Makes sense, because isn’t that what Discovery Channel documentaries are always telling us to do when we encounter deadly predators? On the bench, Scott and Stiles may be completely without allies who have any idea about Beacon Hills’ skeevy supernatural underbelly, but at least their parents have shown up to watch the imminent on-field maiming, and also to stand up and cheer for them embarrassingly. And apparently, Scott’s were-radio is always tuned in to the Gerard Channel. Actually, issuing extra Survivor: Beacon Hills-style time trials like that is a brilliant move on Gerard’s part, because at his advanced age everyone is willing to look the other way when he stands to the side of the bleachers and starts muttering into his pocket watch. Oh look, here comes Isaac. Back in the woods, Erica and Boyd seem to be taking Jackson’s advice on dealing with people who want to kill them dead, though running from a party of hunters in all-terrain vehicles is a pretty limited strategy. Also, we know Allison is still Bad because she continues to dress in black. And now she’s shooting her classmates with arrows. Repeatedly. Until Chris of all people has to show some hunterly restraint when it comes to the murder of teenagers. Back at the championship game, Melissa continues to win exactly zero points for stand-up parenting when she doesn’t remove herself as a kanima target, tells Scott to disregard all her previous demands, and lays the weight of responsibility on him to fix everything. But Gerard — his threat to kill everyone Scott loves if he doesn’t magically procure Derek apparently not working — suddenly offers up his granddaughter instead. You know, kind of like an exchange of goods. Like Allison is a commodity. Like cheesecake. Or a body pillow. At the Hale house, Peter uses the scant few moments when Derek is not actively trying to beat him up to dole out his usual brand of emotionally eviscerating pep talk. Just as Stiles accidentally wins the game on Lydia’s orders, the lights go out. When they come back on, Jackson is lying, pulse-less, on the field. It seems for once that he’s actually taken one for the team — literally. Also, it turns out that having your parent at the game is maybe a good thing after all, especially when they’re the only one who notices that you’ve been abducted.
~=: EPISODE 12 :=~
In this, the season finale, Stiles discovers that being pushed down the stairs into a basement is still mildly better than being tossed into a garbage dumpster when you’re unconscious. That is, until he notices that the girl who tossed him in with the trash is now strung up from the basement’s ceiling by electrified wires. Unaware of the Argents’ unique brand of hospitality, Sheriff Stilinski is on the edge of a nervous breakdown when Scott appears to comfort him. No one is consoled. Later, Derek has a locker room stalking relapse, but good news, this time Peter’s come along as his sponsor. After a tense confrontation with Scott and Isaac, Peter concludes the mediation with the pronouncement that Scott rubbing shoulders with Gerard to protect his mother was a pretty dumbass move. Back in the basement, Stiles manages to hold his own against Gerard in their Most Repulsive Scenario competition, right up until Stiles insults Gerard by woefully underestimating his age at 90 years, and thereby erasing the memory of his service in the Boer War or whatever. But you know the Sheriff is truly anxious about his son’s disappearance when — after an extensive search of his bedroom that presumably also turned up his p*rn collection — Papa Stilinski is still more worried by the idea of Stiles turning up at the hospital with an injury that isn’t related to RSI in his right wrist. But then Stiles comes home with bruises that match his lacrosse uniform, just in time for a heartfelt reunion and… …okay, that’s enough feels for the rest of the year, let’s wrap this episode up already, no more to see here, move along now. (But alas). Peter reveals a laptop that had been hidden under the stairs he was recently being repeatedly kicked down, simultaneously proving that he’s the only Hale who knows how to plan ahead. Then Melissa interrupts their Bestiary Party by calling to let Scott know that corpse!Jackson is wrapped in some kinda mucousy clingwrap underneath the body bag. Whew, just as well they’re not letting Lydia into Beacon Hills’ Friendly 24-hour Morgue to see him then. But they do let Scott in, because men can deal better with this grisly shit. After 40+ years being his son, Chris Argent finally seems to have realized that his old man is bad news. And possibly also involved in Allison’s sudden emo-fication. So when he wanders down to the basement to inspect Gerard’s handiwork, he waxes philosophical as he contemplates what to do with Erica and Boyd, heedless of the fact that the longer he talks, the more their insides are liquifying. Lydia fulfils Stiles’ childhood dream of coming over to his house of her own free will, but he’s almost too busy brooding to enjoy it. Hale, Sassiness and Glowery Nephew Private Investigators Ltd. use the computer to find out that Jackson’s next evolution is going to be a whole lot worse. And wing-y. Later, Chris Argent may or may not try to pick up Scott by alluding to his own loneliness and talking about their commonalities, online dating-style. But then they compare car speeds, so maybe it’s more like a Craigslist bro search. Derek shows up as soon as his name is spoken, galloping across the asphalt like a prize racing bunny. After everyone’s epic eyerolling finally subsides, Jackson uses Derek’s body like a freeweight, Allison continues trying to shoot her classmates to death, and Jackson goes behind Chris’ car to protect his modesty as he changes body. (For a kanima, he’s also strangely polite about not paralyzing any of the wolves with venom when he stabs them with his claws). Most shocking of all, he listens patiently when Gerard pops out of the gloom and ponderously reveals his master plan. And now I’m pissed, because Teen Wolf should have come with a non-con warning about forcing alphas to bite geriatric cancerous humans. And again with the victim blaming. After Gerard collapses like a gross human fountain of black stuff, Stiles and Lydia ride in on their powder blue steed to save the day. Or maybe it’s just Lydia, distracting kanima!Jackson just in time with shiny things and the luscious memories of booty calls gone by. Of course, Jackson regains his humanity just long enough to get skewered by Derek and Peter. But fear not! He is risen. And now with extra furry sideburns. (Now all they have to do is come up with a plausible explanation to give to Jackson’s parents about how their son is still alive and how he single-handedly escaped from the morgue to attend reptilian Fight Club). Back home, Allison apologizes about the whole crazy emo murderous phsycho assassin thing. But it’s all right, everyone, because Scott forgives her for trying to kill their classmates on several occasions and, most importantly, for breaking up with him. Meanwhile in the woods, Erica and Boyd — newly free from their involuntary electroshock therapy — get their wish for a new pack. And hey, the culture shock shouldn’t be too bad, ‘cause these new guys obviously speak Leather. The next day, Peter and Derek use the appearance of a Cubist swastika on their door as an excuse to make Isaac practice his logical reasoning. This is achieved through the introduction of the conceptual conundrum of “a pack of alphas”. And finally, at long last, Scott comes to the realization that his life is like every episode of The Simpsons.